There’s not much that will explain my temporary hiatus from this blog, other than to say I’ve been struggling with feeling I have little to say, as well as struggling to finish the latest novel I’ve been working on (ironic, I know). I had no deadline I was working towards, save for one self-imposed, but those are usually the ones I adhere to most strictly anyway. As far as this blog goes, when I do struggle with feeling I have little to contribute, sometimes I find myself writing (fiction, that is) more during those times, and the last few weeks have been no exception.
I’ve also noticed lately that I’ve been justifying, explaining, vindicating myself to anyone who’s asked me recently what I do for a living (if they don’t know me) or what my plans are now that I’ve dropped out of a PhD program (if they do know me). Inevitably, I say something about my current situation being temporary and that’s okay because it’s been really good for me and blah blah blah meaningless self-justifying words that mean far more to me than to the person who asked me.
And on the rare occasions where I’ve been bold enough to say “Oh I’m a writer, and I’m going to teach at least until I can get my writing off the ground,” they’ve (inevitably) asked, “Oh so what have you written? Is it something I’d have seen?” And of course my reply is no, that I haven’t actually had anything published, save for one novel once upon a high school ago. And sometimes they say okay, and then sometimes they get this sympathetic light in their eyes, as if to convey with just a glance oh you’re that girl, you think you’re an artist but really you’re just going to starve, bless your heart.
Well, no more (I boldly declare), though I know full well it will happen again. But at least my resolution has changed concerning it. Just because someone is not published, does not mean they’re not a writer; just because no one has paid them yet, doesn’t mean they don’t have something to say; and just because someone has only had a handful of paintings bought by a sympathetic patron doesn’t mean they aren’t one of the greatest artists ever birthed in the world. Fill in appropriate examples: Vincent van Gogh, Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Dickinson, and countless others who may not even be known posthumously, whose own families might never have known or seen their creative genius.
Now, this is not to say that I look forward to great posthumous fame and popularity. If it’s all the same, I’d just as soon receive said popularity while I’m still kicking. But at the end of the day, it’s not about fame or popularity or even money. It’s about having the desire to create, and the desire to share those creations with others. Which is why I have started sharing copies of the most recent stories I’ve been working on, with certain esteemed friends, in order to get their opinions and feedback on them. And which is why I have returned after a brief absence to this blog, where I do not promise deep or long or even particularly interesting thoughts, but where I can share whatever ramblings wander into my own mind, and thank you for letting me share them with you.